Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The ass gains better be worth it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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