Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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