This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
