Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
