batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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