I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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