Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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