census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
