Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
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