I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
