things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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