I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
