If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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