Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
