I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
