But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
