So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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