Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My bed smells like the plague
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
