Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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