I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
