first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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