I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
