he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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