I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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