So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
