U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
