i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
