T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm at about main and main street
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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