3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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