i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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