Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
