I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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