he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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