i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I faked an abortion last night.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This is my gift to your gina
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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