$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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