well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
