I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
