well I can't set my house on fire every night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
