this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
