Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
