I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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