I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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