Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
