My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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