dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
