watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
