I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
