On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
