i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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