Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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